


Daniel Jackson Explains Reproductive Strategies to Karkat Vantas

by Hoborg



Category: Homestuck, Milliways, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Exposition, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-31
Updated: 2012-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-17 11:29:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoborg/pseuds/Hoborg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A conversation that didn't happen but perhaps should have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daniel Jackson Explains Reproductive Strategies to Karkat Vantas

**Author's Note:**

> I blame the people who play Karkat and Daniel at Milliways, neither of whom is me, and I don’t think the pups have actually met in bar-canon. This would have to take place shortly after Karkat found the bar for the first time, which was around the time the matriorb got destroyed, I think. I’m not sure where bar-Daniel is in his own canon, and I know the earlier seasons of _Stargate SG-1_ better, so I’m pretending he’s from then.
> 
> I wrote most of this about six months ago and then put it on a shelf because I couldn’t figure out how to end it. I’m not completely happy with the ending I have now, but at least it does seem to have some closure.

“JEGUS,” grumbled Karkat mostly to himself, “WHAT IS IT WITH HUMANS AND THEIR _SYMPATHY NOISES_ , ANYWAY.”

The bespectacled, pink-skinned man at the next table over looked up from his folder. “Your species doesn’t do sympathy?”

Karkat blinked at him. “WHY WOULD I BE COMPLAINING ABOUT IT IF WE DID?”

“It gets on humans’ nerves sometimes too. Um, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Daniel Jackson.”

“KARKAT,” said Karkat. “WHAT’S YOUR DEAL, THEN?”

“I’m an archaeologist—I study the remains of ancient civilizations. A few years ago, we found an ancient artifact called a Stargate, which lets you travel to other planets in our galaxy that also have Stargates. I’m on a team of explorers; we go through the Stargate and study the worlds on the other side. The civilization that built the Stargate network left a lot of other curious things behind, and we’ve made friends with about half of the _modern_ civilizations out there. Of course the other half want to kill us all or make us into slaves, but we’ve managed to stop them so far.”

“THE HUMANS I KNOW WOULD STAND NO CHANCE AGAINST GALACTIC CONQUERORS. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE RELIABLE SPACE TRAVEL. YOU MUST BE MUCH MORE ADVANCED.”

“We _didn’t_ have reliable space travel when we found the Stargate. But being threatened with invasion and enslavement by snake aliens who think they’re gods and take control of human bodies so they can have _hands_ , well, let’s just say we got better at defending ourselves in a hurry.”

“SERIOUSLY, SNAKE ALIENS WHO THINK THEY’RE GODS BUT HAVE NO HANDS UNLESS THEY TAKE OVER A HUMAN? HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?”

“Seriously. To be fair, they _do_ control much of the galaxy. Until they ran into us, their biggest problem was they love backstabbing each other.” Daniel grinned nastily. “We took advantage of that.”

“WHAT WERE THEY USING FOR HANDS BEFORE THEY GOT TO EARTH?”

“There was a roughly humanoid species with them on their original planet. They prefer humans, though. More manual dexterity. They’ve had human slaves for thousands of years—they conquered Earth once before, back before we even had _writing_ , and when they left they took entire populations with them.”

“WHY’D THEY LEAVE?”

“It’s hard to say; they like to falsify historical records to make themselves look better. Probably someone got backstabbed.”

“HMPH, THAT’S NO WAY TO RUN A GALACTIC EMPIRE. THE CONDESCE WOULD HAVE EATEN THEM ALL FOR LUNCH.”

“The Condesce?”

“YEAH, ER, MY SPECIES WERE GALACTIC CONQUERORS FOR MILLENIA TOO. AT LEAST AS LONG AS THE CONDESCE HELD THE IMPERIAL THRONE.” Karkat paused. “THEY’RE ALL DEAD NOW EXCEPT ME AND A FEW OTHERS, SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT US ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE.”

Daniel made a face. “Most human cultures dictate that I should offer sympathy now.”

“EH, IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM THE CLUSTERFUCK THAT HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR THE PAST I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER HOW LONG, IT’S THAT THE UNIVERSE IS PROBABLY BETTER OFF WITHOUT US,” Karkat said. “LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU SEEM PRETTY GOOD WITH THE EXPOSITION, CAN YOU EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME?”

“Sure, I’ll try.”

“WHY DO HUMANS CARE SO TAINTCHAFINGLY MUCH ABOUT THE WELFARE OF THEIR JUVENILES?”

“Well, there’s every reason to think it’s instinctive, but that’s not really an answer… hm… Does your species’ reproductive cycle produce an enormous number of offspring, only a few of whom survive to adulthood, mostly by luck? And the adults are not involved much at all?”

“YEAH THAT’S ABOUT RIGHT. THE ADULTS ARE ALL BUSY CONQUERING THE GALAXY, IF THEY SHOW UP ON ALTERNIA SOMEONE’S PROBABLY ABOUT TO GET CULLED.”

“I’m quite curious how that all works, but leave it for now. One more question. Does ‘theory of evolution’ mean anything to you?”

“SURE, TROLL CHARLES DARWIN WORKED THAT OUT THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO—WHAT?”

Daniel managed, by virtue of years of practice, not to spit out his coffee. “Nothing, nothing, whoever programmed the universal translator in here, they had some sense of humor. Moving on. The theory of evolution says that individuals compete for resources and the more successful ones survive to reproduce, yada yada. But if you work out the math, _really_ you’re not a successful individual, evolutionarily speaking, unless your _offspring_ survive to reproduce. With me so far?”

“YUP, MAKES SENSE.”

“Well, it turns out there are two general strategies for having offspring that will survive to reproduce; most species we’ve studied use one or the other. We call them the r-strategy and the K-strategy, after two symbols in the math. Your species uses the r-strategy: have lots and lots of offspring, and some of them will survive by sheer luck, whether or not the parents help.”

“YOU’RE ABOUT TO TELL ME HUMANS USE THE OTHER STRATEGY, AREN’T YOU.”

“Exactly. The K-strategy is, have only a few offspring but then do _everything in your power_ to make _sure_ they survive to reproduce.”

“WHY NOT DO BOTH?”

“The parents only have so much time and so much food to work with. If they blow all their resources on making lots of offspring, they won’t have any left to help them survive. Many Earth r-strategy species die immediately after reproducing.”

“GOT IT. BUT THEN SHOULDN’T HUMANS CARE ONLY ABOUT THE WELFARE OF THEIR _OWN_ JUVENILES?”

“Aha, good question. That is how most Earth K-strategy species operate, but humans take it to an unusual extreme. We’ll devote nearly as much effort to _anyone’s_ children as we will to our own, especially if the original parents aren’t around. We’re not sure how this evolved, but it works for us.” Daniel paused. “Maybe this is why we’ve been getting on your nerves with our ‘sympathy noises.’ You’re not a human child, but as far as human parenting instincts are concerned, _you’re close enough._ I get the impression you don’t actually need or want it, but instinct and culture say I ought to find out what happened to you and do what I can to help.”

“IT’S NOT EVEN THAT I DON’T WANT ANY HELP,” Karkat said, “IF I THOUGHT IT WOULD DO ANY GOOD, WE’RE UP AGAINST SOMEONE WHO COULD _LEGITIMATELY_ CALL HIMSELF A GOD, IF HE EVER BOTHERED TO STOP KILLING EVERYTHING LONG ENOUGH TO CALL HIMSELF ANYTHING. IT’S, WELL... A TROLL ADULT WOULD NEVER HELP US OUT OF THIS MESS. I HALF EXPECT YOU TO CULL ME JUST FOR ADMITTING HOW SCREWED WE ARE.”

“That makes sense for an r-strategy species. Succeed or die.”

“PRETTY MUCH.”

“Do the adults cooperate with each other? I admit I have trouble imagining how they could conquer anything otherwise.”

“WE HAVE ELABORATE SOCIAL STRUCTURES WHICH CHANNEL OUR NATURAL TENDENCY TO HATE EACH OTHER’S GUTS INTO GETTING SHIT DONE. WELL, HAD. IT’S NOT WORKING OUT REAL WELL FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE LEFT.”

“In all the intelligent species I know about, social structures tend to fall apart in small groups under existential threat. It would help if you all thought you had a chance, maybe?”

“MAYBE. I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD TAKE.”

“I tell you what, though, if there’s _anyone_ who can help, they probably come to this bar.”


End file.
